Beautiful Arrhythmia
by Mileycfan4eva
Summary: In 2019 it's estimated that 238 police officers have taken their lives. When Tucker becomes the latest, Amanda drops in to check on Olivia. Neither women excepted a night of drinking, secret sharing would lead them down the road to a beautiful friendship. Can it become more?
1. Chapter 1 A Long Time Coming

**Fandom: SVU**

**Title: A Long Time Coming**

**Title: Beautiful Arrhythmia**

**P O V: Amanda Rollins**

**Luci's Family Pizzeria**

**2287 1st Ave, New York, NY 10035**

**February 1****3****th****, 2020 **

**(A/N: Jessie and Billie do not exist. I own nothing except my dreams and plots. SVU belongs to it's creators. Dick Wolf his company and NBC.)**

"Mom, you're not eating."

Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I refocus on my kid's Ravine and Sage. "Mom, you okay?" I nearly jump out of my skin when Rave ever so gently touches my hand. "Sorry, Mom, I wasn't trying to scare you." I nod, "It's okay, honey, sorry I'm just a little extra jumpy today."

"Is it because of Mr. Tucker?"

Smiling sadly, I nod at Sage. "Yeah, sorry, it's just hard. I wasn't close to him didn't even really like him, not with how he treated Liv. It's just I know she's crushed; it's never easy to lose someone you love." My voice shakes, "too many officers losing their lives; I'm just worried about her."

"So, go to her mom." "Sage, it's late; we haven't spent much time together with each other, not with my long hours." My thirteen-year-old daughter Sage and my fourteen-year-old son Rave both laugh, "mom it's okay, will go with you. Aunt Olivia needs you beside it'll give us a chance to spend time with Noah." Taking a sip of my beer, I debate internally if I should go to my Captain's apartment.

"She probably wants to be alone. I doubt a visitor from her least favorite person in this entire world will make her feel better."

"You never know what someone is feeling, Mom." "Aren't you the one who always tells us." Both kids bend their heads together, echoing the same sentence. "you'll never know unless you try, so don't be afraid to push the boundaries."

I can barely swallow anything now with the orange-sized lump inside my throat "You two are correct. That is what I say." "So take your advice go to her mom if not for her do it for you, mom, you know you can barely sleep you haven't eaten in days. Today seems to be the last straw I know this case has touched you in a way that none of the others could." My body clenches my heart beats extra rapidly slamming inside my chest. "Your hand is shaking, Mom." Ravine's eyes meet mine.

"I am?" Looking down, I see he is correct. My hand shakes horribly, so I grip my beer bottle tighter, taking another long sip. "A superior officer rapes his subordinate, and the police cover it up. I know this sent you back mom, to what that bastard did, I can see it in your eyes, your thinking of that night in that hotel room back in Atlanta blaming yourself again. Stop it, Mom, none of this is your fault, you did not ask for it or deserve it. I know no one will understand Mom how this triggers you, I wish Olivia did, but everyone is always so wrapped up in their own lives. No one is thinking of you; you need a friend mom. She needs a friend just be there for each other."

"Yeah,"

Tears form behind my eyelids now I feel my body shaking. "Yeah it did, today was brutal for me, I can barely sleep anymore all I keep hearing is Bucci threatening me, all I see is that goddamn gun in my face, all I can think about is never seeing you two again. Now I have Patton inside my head; I'm starting to feel as if I am going crazy, I can't return to my therapist I don't feel safe there anymore. I don't know what to do."

"So it sounds like you both could use some girl's time."

"Olivia isn't really the girls bonding type honey; she's never been the one to shoot the breeze and chill out. She's professional and cordial, not the spill the tea type of gal." Swallowing the rest of the beer; I turn to the kids. "But your right, I won't know if I never try. We both could use some support."

Going to the counter, I pay for our bill and order a bottle of wine to go bundling up we head outside "So tell me what's going on in school guys?" Both kids groan, "School is the same as always Mom, it's school, yucky."

"There has to be something that is happening, babes."

"Okay, sure one thing Mom, I got all high 90's on my last report card. My friends are encouraging me to audition for a musical in the spring."

"I don't know though I have my sights set on bigger things, Mr. Rouche from the Young Thespians Theater wants me to audition for the select group that gets to perform at special events."

"Sage that is amazing do you have your heart set one more than the other?"

"I can't decide part of me wants to do the school musical and get to be a teenager. The other part wants to get my career going."

"Whichever one you choose, sweetie, I know it will be amazing, and you'll do awesome."

"Ravine?"

"Well I wanted to surprise you mom, I was going to take you out to dinner tomorrow to tell you, but I might as well do it now, I got the part in the new teen Broadway Rent Production Mom. I start rehearsals next week."

"Rave I am so proud of you, congratulations my boy." Pulling my son close to me, I ruffle his hair amazed at how quickly he is growing up immense pride fills my soul. He's becoming more like me every day, not just in his looks. His height has become a mini version of me. At 14, he's already 5'7, built and lean, blond hair wavy in the front, buzzed on the sides.

"You are so brave to chase your dreams, Rave, even when people try to tear you down, you keep going and keep striving."

"I have to mom because you never gave up on your dreams or us. You are my inspiration, Mama after all you've been through how hard you have worked; it's time for you to relax Mama. I am almost grown so I will start helping out each week when I get paid I will put some aside for my future and I will give you half to help you with rent, I want you to start to breathe again. You need to start to eat mom, to sleep without nightmares or fear. You need to gain weight, Mama; you're losing too much too fast."

"Thank you for worrying Rave it's delightful, but honey, this isn't your job to worry about money or me. I am doing okay; it just takes time. I know you want to help out, I get it, but all you have to do right now is enjoy your life, be a kid."

Reaching the building, I smile at her doorman, who recognizes me letting us up to Olivia's apartment. "Her place is really nice Mama, one day I will be able to afford to rent one of these apartments for you."

"That would be amazing, sweetie; I wish I hadn't blown so much on gambling. I would be able to give you two a better life."

"Mom don't do that you made mistakes we all do, you work your ass off for us, and we live in a nice neighborhood we both have amazing friends we go to a great school, it's as safe as any neighborhood in the city. This is why we study so hard, stay out of trouble, and keep our grades up. We love you, Mama."

Knocking on Liv's door, I can feel my chest swell tighter, "Coming." Noah's tiny voice calls out, worrying me Olivia's super protective of Noah. Why is he answering the door by himself? Where is Olivia?

"Noah, it's Aunt Amanda."

The knob twists I hear metal scraping jingling till his tiny face peeks through the crack of the door. "Aunt Amanda, Hi!" his face brightens up when he sees it's me after all "Hey, tiny dancer, how are you?" he opens up fully closing his arms around my legs "I haven't seen you in forever."

"I know sorry honey, it's been super busy how's dance going?"

"Awesome! I am up for a part in a musical will you come to see me?"

"Of course, my love, you let Mama know what dates they are, and we will be there for you. Cheering loudly in the first row."

"Oh, Lord, you will be so embarrassing!" "Well, thank you, Noah. It's what parents do best. Have you had dinner yet?"

"No, Mama hasn't moved." He looks towards the couch where I see Olivia's still frame still in her coat sitting with a beer bottle; the fireplace illuminates her frame. "How long has she been like this Noah?" "since she got home, she won't talk to me Aunt Amanda, what's wrong?" Noah's distressed face breaks my heart. "She lost a close friend today, buddy, so she's despondent."

"Well, Buddy, why don't you grab your coat will let the grownups talk, and the three of us have will have some kid time. What do you say, dinner and a musical?"

"Yeah, man!" Noah pumps his fist high-fiving Sage who grins at me, holding out her hand. "Take my credit card, Sage, but I swear girl if you buy anything more than tickets and dinner, you'll be grounded for life. Be-careful out there."

Once the kids are gone, I look around her apartment, where do I even start? Closing the door, I roll up my sleeve, gather the dirty dishes, and begin to wash them. Olivia's always been very neat and organized. I can't see her not keeping up with the cleaning.

She's transfixed into one position I finish quickly throwing a load of laundry into the washer. Liv hasn't even noticed that her son has left. Disinfecting the counters, I repackage left out food and file the papers into organized piles.

"Leave them Rollins." her voice makes me jump my heart skips a beat just a simple touch makes me jump a mile out of my skin. Grabbing the counter, I stare at her wide-eyed. I'm not seeing her. I know it's her. All I see is Patton back in that hotel room.

"Sorry Captain I was just trying to help."

"I know Amanda, I thank you, but right now I don't need a maid. I need a.." her voice cracks her knuckles are pure white; her voice is raspier than usual. Calming my racing heart, I place my hand on her shoulder, "Tell me what you need, Captain."

"I need a hug, Amanda. I need a friend because today I lost one of my oldest and dearest friends. I don't know how to possess this. Normally I would talk to Dr. Lindstorm, but I lost trust and respect for him, I feel so alone, Amanda."

Hugs should be natural, yet I am shaking as I open my arms; it's not like we've never hugged before. She slides right into my arms I catch a whiff of her perfume cinnamon apples mixed with a scent I can't place. Whichever it is, however, melts me. I sink into her arms, bringing me back to my childhood, swinging on the porch of my Nana's home, awaiting her delicious warm apple pie.

"Liv, I am so sorry. I know you two had a rocky relationship, but in the end, I know you loved him, and that type of love doesn't stop just because someone is gone." Gently I kiss her forehead.

"No, it doesn't." she's squeezing me tighter, so I rub her back to provide some comfort while her body shakes. Tears drench my shoulders, Great now I overstepped, "Liv, I didn't want to upset you." "Amanda honey, you haven't that kiss just reminds me of how Tucker used to kiss me."

"I thought if I gave it time our lives would even out, Noah's getting older I honestly thought Ed would be the one, I don't just kiss anyone, a kiss is supposed to mean something Amanda, it means I trust that person with my heart, my body my soul. I trusted Tucker not to break my damn heart."

"Tucker and I use to kiss all the time Amanda, the thing I loved about him is he never excepted a kiss to mean more than simply a kiss. We had a healthy sex life, Amanda, it's not like he never got any, but he didn't except anything when we kissed. He was always a perfect gentleman with me; he believed the same thing I do kissing means I want to play with you and spend time with you. We're taking our time and not just moving towards the goal of having an orgasm.'"

My fingers trace her jawline it's hard to hear Olivia talking about making love to someone else when every part of me is craving her touch, her lips upon mine. "I'm glad he was charming with you Liv, you deserve nothing less."

"Thank you, Amanda, I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that he's gone, worse though I can't see him doing this, how could he? How could he take his own life? How could he give up like this? I just can't, Amanda. I keep trying to tell myself it's true, that he's really gone, but it's an enormous tidal wave crashing in with no notice, no time to catch my breath, to process the situation, to carry on."

"Ever since those words left the officer's mouth that Tucker was gone, it's as if our whole lives together are passing by inside my memory."

She's starting to hyperventilate, so I lead her to the couch, taking off her blazer, wrapping a thick blanket over her shoulders. Taking her hands, I hold them inside my palms, giving her the time she needs to cry, holding her against my chest when she starts to scream. Rubbing her back, I rock her gently, pushing her hair back. Her chest squeezes tight I can hear her wheezing "Shh, it's okay to let it out Liv, it's perfectly normal."

"Nothing about this is normal, Amanda. Nothing."

"I know Liv no one wants to be apart of this club. Let me tell you a little something though Olivia, as crushing as this seems, as powerless as you feel right now. Liv, you will survive this. The shock will wear, the real grieving starts. It'll be complex, complicated at times unbearable. The unannounced tidal waves are relentless. They don't let up. The back and forth whiplash of emotions takes every ounce of energy to brace yourself for the next, that's all you can do. Try to prepare yourself for the next one. You're not alone, though, Liv, you don't have to sail through this alone. I'm here; Fin is here even Kat; she lost someone she cares about too."

"I know you're going over a million different things inside your head to make a difference in the outcome. You're wondering if you had stayed by his side would it have been different could you have saved him? Would you have seen something no one else had?"

"The truth is Liv will never know, but if someone is determined to take their life, there isn't much that could have been said. No one is prepared for the agonizing heartache that comes in the aftermath of a loved one's suicide."

"Sometimes the voices will seem loud and clear he's gone sometimes it'll be a quiet whisper when a song you used to dance together to comes on, or you'll hear a laugh and whip around thinking he's here, but he won't be Liv, he's gone, and I know it feels like it's the end of your world as you know it."

I gently take her wrist and place my finger against it feeling her pulse beat fast and robust "Your alive Liv, you have friends here who will help you. We love you."

"How can I Amanda? Why should I?"

"Because you deserve to Olivia, you have a son who needs you, a son who loves you depends on you and who has already endured more hurt and confusion in his young life than any kid should. It won't be easy, Liv; it never is to lose someone you love no matter how they pass. Suicide had a stigma that no one else can comprehend."

"You sound like you know first hand, Amanda?"

"I do Liv; my friend Sienna killed herself when I was fifteen. It was a knee-buckling descent into a dark, swirling abyss, a devastating infliction of heartache that threatened my ability to function. Let alone find a passion for my life again."

"I didn't talk to anyone because I didn't feel like I mattered, I kept everything inside, I picked my battles. I wasn't worth the war. I can see you're doing the same thing, Liv, keeping your feelings inside because you feel like you have to be strong for your son, for us."

"I do, Amanda."

"No, Liv, you have to be true to yourself, your feelings have a voice they deserved to be heard, you matter. We need you in all capacities, not just a body. That's called existing not living. You need to be healthy. We need you healthy, happiness won't come right away Liv, you need time to grieve not just Tucker's death but Simon's death as well. Eventually, though you will be happy, you will find joy and meaning, the world will be changed colors may not seem as bright, but you will move on."

"I know you're not okay, Liv, so please don't say that you are right now your heading down the darkest hole known to man a bitch of a trip called grief, she has many layers. She throws daggers at you, and just when you are so tired and confused trying to dodge them; you think she'll let up no the bitch starts shooting bullets at you. So you build up a suite of Armour and think it'll protect you. The thing is that it doesn't work, bullets pierce through even the strongest of Armour. they'll even pierce your heart, but they can't destroy your heart Liv."

"How do you know?"

"I've been there Liv, I've fallen down that dark hole I almost let it swallow me up. My body and soul felt excommunicated too each other." I feel her stiffen inside my arms as I run my fingers down her spine. "I need Paris Amanda; he promised me we would always have Paris. He lied, we didn't have enough time."

"I don't think we have ever had enough time Liv, no matter how much God grants us, it'll never be enough if the result is we lose someone we love."

"Didn't he think about this, Amanda? Didn't he fucking think how this would affect those who loved him?"She pushes me away, leaning against the couch, pouring some wine for us I debate if I should say what I think as I hand her a glass.

"Yeah, he thought about it Liv, I'm sure he thought non-stop about it, but in the end, he probably thought you all would be better off. I can't know for sure what Ed was thinking, but I can tell you how I felt when I was looking down the barrel of my own gun. I felt alone, desperate, knowing in my head that no one would give a damn if I lived or died, I felt as if I was in quicksand sinking faster away from the light. I had cried a thousand tears already, and no one was ever around to wipe them away. I know how raw my throat was from the screaming day in and day out, and no one ever cared enough to come."

"It took everything inside of me to walk inside that police station knowing I was the office slut, the joke everyone passed around. Knowing the rumors going around seeing the looks of disgust because I didn't earn my spot, I slept my way to the top. Every whisper sent me back to that girl I was in high school the trailer trash from the wrong side of town, the easy ass who made one mistake and was now branded for life. I've struggled with mental illness for years; it's not a battle, Olivia. It's fucking war, but it's a silent one because no one sees your scars or your bruises. It's internal. It's a dance between smiling and crying medications can help, but their not a cure, they have side effects, and the stigma is just awful. It's a veil of shame and misguided looks that send you barring down that dark road just as your starting to see the light of day."

"Ed didn't want this family to suffer anymore it's exhausting to care for someone who has a mental illness, he didn't want to be a burden, you can say it isn't, but it is, I know I've been dealing with my sister and parents my whole life. Their my mortal flaw, my sin, my war that I will never be done battling because being done means being dead. As much as I hate what they do to me, I love them."

"He was sick, Amanda." "Yeah, Liv he was, and it hurts, you can't see it cause you've never had it, but it hurts bad."

"No, Amanda, I mean he had cancer brain cancer he didn't want to be a burden, you're correct." Leaning my head back sipping my wine, I try to hide my reaction brain Cancer. It suddenly makes sense now. "He was scared, Liv. I change my original statement. It wasn't about sparing you all. It was about him. He'll say it was, but that's a lie we feed people when we are sick." she stares at me. "Deep down, he was scared shit-less brain cancer. It's brutal, Liv."

"Deterioration happens quickly, he would have lost control of his body, he'd become weaker needing help with everything, and I mean everything walking, feeding himself, until he couldn't eat at all, going to the bathroom, dressing. He would lose his dignity; he would lose the sense of time starting forgetting who his family and friends are, the way he forgot Robin. It would become more frequent which would break their hearts, they'd try you know to plaster on a smile and not cry, but he would know."

"Soon his body would start to give out, he'd sleep more his lungs would start to go, his skin would be cold to the touch, his heart rate would change he would feel himself drowning in his own body. His vision would go no one wants to see their loved ones watch them suffer. No one wants to suffer like that. It's inhumane."

"It sounds awful, Amanda, but you don't know it would end that way he could have...I mean, there had to be something else."

"Something else, Liv? What hope? Peaceful death honey, I am so sorry it's not reality. I'm sure his doctors laid it out for him the fact is Liv cancer is heartless it doesn't care how young you are brain cancer is a powerful beast he knew Liv and unless you've lost someone to Cancer. Honestly, you'll never know or understand."

"Ed killed himself because of his pride; he's been an independent man his whole life. A cop he was used to saving people to being a superhero in a way, he wasn't going to let Cancer take him. He wanted to die on his terms by his rules."

"I guess that makes sense, Amanda."

"So tell me about your favorite memory of Ed, Liv." Pouring her some more wine, I lean back. Our legs are entangled. Her fingers are laced around mine. "Our first date, he told me he would teach me how to fly."

"How did he teach you?"

"Well, we were both in our mid-forties. He took me uptown. It was quite a beautiful Christmas night in December."

"He kissed my hand, brought me roses. We went to a little 50's diner which has since been closed. I felt like a princess with my poodle skirt he looked dashing in his leather jacket; he was so nervous he wouldn't stop talking. Lord Amanda, I just wanted to kiss him to shut him up. He talked about everything. He made me so nervous that I would mess up and trip over his feet that I did exactly that I tripped over his feet and flew into the bar spilling hundreds of drinks on myself."

Laughing out loud, I feel bad for her she's blushing deeply which looks fantastic on her my heart beats softly but steady I can feel my own flush starting just staring at her. "girl, you went out with him again? I would have been running for the hills so fast the poodle would have been separated from my skirt."

"I had to Amanda I felt so bad for him he was so embarrassed the next day he got on his knees with roses, Ed was a man of his word when Ed said he would teach me to fly and he did, so I should give him another chance."

We both laugh, "That's very true, so was the next date better?" She nods, smiling so softly so beautifully I gasp taken back by her pure natural beauty. "This is delicious Amanda, what kind is it?" she swirls the wine "Pinot Grigio, so spill the tea Liv, I am tired and getting drunk I need to know."

"Damn Rollins, you get demanding when you're drunk."

"You act surprised Liv.," she laughs "I shouldn't be, huh?" "no." We both laugh "The second date was my 45th birthday. I never tell anyone my actual birthrate."

"Oh, we know Liv Fin, and I spent a whole week once trying to find your records online."

"WHAT!"

She gasps almost choking on her wine, which makes me laugh, she starts hitting my leg with her foot hard. "Detective I should suspend your ass for accessing department records for personal reasons and invasion of privacy."

"Than you'd have to hear Fin whining so you won't."

"Feb 7th Amanda, if you tell anyone I will suspend your ass, That is a promise."

"Ah, shit, it just passed. Happy belated birthday Liv." She smiles tightly, "thank you, Amanda. So yeah, it was my 45th birthday I was content to sit at home alone with my Cats Taylor and Swift watching lifetime reruns. He shows up with red wine, chocolates, and a damn karaoke machine dressed as Elvis."

Her eyes light up as she remembers, "I felt loved, important. He made dinner for me Ed set everything up while I took a relaxing bubble bath, when I came out it was candlelit, Elvis was playing he made my day special he made me feel like California gold. Honestly, he brought me to life."

"He had an amazing voice; some nights after we would make love, he would sing to me. I loved being serenaded. God, Amanda, I don't want him to be just a memory."

"It hurts to say Goodbye, Liv, don't cry because he's gone. Smile baby; he made you live, he lived, he touched you."

"It's hard, Amanda."

"The hardest like wine on my bladder. Can you excuse me?"

"You have the damn bladder of a squirrel." "Hey, Not true! It's at least as big as a chinchilla. I can hold four grandee latte's in this baby." her laughter echos as I hurry to the bathroom to relieve myself. Passing Noah's room on my way back, I spot his guitar. He's been taking lessons lately. He won't mind if I borrow this to help his mom. Her eyes are closed held against the cushion I wonder briefly if they ever made love on that couch. If you didn't know her, you would think she's asleep; I know her, though, so I know she's crying. I hope this helps her slowly. I start to play a song from Elvis.

**Maybe I didn't love you Quite as often as I could have**

**And perhaps I didn't treat you Quite as good as I should have **

**If I made you feel second best Girl, I'm sorry I was blind You were always on my mind **

**You were always on my mind **

**And maybe I didn't hold you  
All those lonely, lonely times  
And I guess I never told you  
I'm so happy that you're mine**

**Little things I should have said and done  
I just never took the time  
You were always on my mind  
You were always on my mind**

**Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn't died **

**Give me, give me one more chance to keep you satisfied**

**I'll keep you satisfied **

"Amanda, I never knew you could sing or that you played the guitar. That was beautiful baby thank you."

"Thanks, I learned to play in my teens."

"Can you play something else? I can use the distraction."

"Sure, Liv." I take a moment before I start to sing. I'll never love again by Lady Gaga. Tears fall freely as she clutches the blanket.

**Wish I could, I could've said goodbye I would've said what I wanted to Maybe even cried for you If I knew it would be the last time I would've broken my heart in two Tryin' to save a part of you **

**Don't wanna feel another touch  
Don't wanna start another fire  
Don't wanna know another kiss  
No other name falling off my lips  
Don't wanna give my heart away  
To another stranger  
Or let another day begin  
Won't even let the sunlight in  
No, I'll never love again  
I'll never love again, oh, oh, oh, oh**

**When we first met  
I never thought that I would fall  
I never thought that I'd find myself  
Lying in your arms  
And I want to pretend that it's not true  
Oh baby, that you're gone  
'Cause my world keeps turning, and turning, and turning  
And I'm not moving on**

**Don't wanna feel another touch  
Don't wanna start another fire  
Don't wanna know another kiss  
No other name falling off my lips  
Don't wanna give my heart away  
To another stranger  
Or let another day begin  
Won't even let the sunlight in  
No, I'll never love**

**I don't wanna know this feeling  
Unless it's you and me  
I don't wanna waste a moment, ooh  
And I don't wanna give somebody else the better part of me  
I would rather wait for you, ooh**

**Don't wanna feel another touch  
Don't wanna start another fire  
Don't wanna know another kiss  
Baby, unless they are your lips**

**Don't wanna give my heart away  
To another stranger  
Don't let another day begin  
Won't let the sunlight in  
Oh, I'll never love again  
Never love again  
Never love again  
Oh, I'll never love again**

"It's not true though Liv, you will learn to love again. I promise as devastation as this loss is, love will come. It'll be different bittersweet at times, but you'll find someone who can make you laugh, who will get you, sparks will fly, and the sun will rise and set again and again."

"Experience speaking, Amanda?" I nod, "Who broke your heart?" Biting my lips, I keep strumming the strings. Feeling drained, I feel her rubbing my legs, "we've talked a lot about me, Amanda. I want to hear from you, sweetie. Who did you lose?"

"Rhett. My first serious boyfriend." the memory of my first love hits me hard. I feel her move closer, wrapping her arm around my shoulders, her fingers gently stroke my hair. "Talk to me. How old were you when you met?"

"Thirteen...we met at Stupid Mass." I see her looking at me "It's a cancer support group for teens." Another look this time of confusion. "I was diagnosed when I was eleven with AML or Acute Myelogenous Leukemia. I was away from home in St. Jude's hospital in Memphis, Tennessee; I was scared, angry. Rhett was a two-time cancer survivor; he gave me an outlet by showing me how to play guitar. Even though he had a different cancer Medulloblastoma, he showed me there was hope."

"He got me closer to God; he showed me the power of healing in prayer. I truly believed if I prayed hard enough that I would achieve remission, and I did until it came back less than six months later. No one understood the kids in school either treated me as a freak cause I had Cancer or because of my family's low status in Loganville. Rhett was my only true friend; we emailed, we wrote letters, his parents would fly me to see him, we even went to the same camp."

"He comforted me when my mom refused to let Kim be tested to be my donor when she told me she wouldn't be tested herself. I was furious and hurt I knew that I was never the golden child in my parent's eyes, which baffles me, I studied hard, I stayed out of trouble, unlike Kim who was always in trouble never passed her tests. Still, I thought that on some level they're my parents they have to love me, right? So how could she not even go for the test? It was a confirmation she didn't care if I lived or died."

"Rhett knew how to make me feel better he invited me to his school's summer fling dance he was adorable, we danced under the glow of neon lights he held me tight, he told me I was beautiful and that I mattered. He kept reminding me God sent us together to help heal each other's minds, so he would send me someone to heal my body if I just had patience."

"To remind me about how crazy life can be, he took my hand lead me outside the gym; we sneaked past the security camera's which was exhilarating and fucking terrifying. I didn't know where we were going, but I trusted him. He told me to close my eyes, so I did, he asked me to trust him, so I did. Next thing I knew, we were jumping right into a pool. The moonlight was glowing as we laughed, dunked each other and danced in the water to our own music. He was so sweet and so cute, he was my first kiss that night. He took away my pain and fear."

"We dated for two years he held my hand when I was alone in the hospital sick from chemo or scared from the possibility of dying."

"You lived, Amanda."

"Yeah, anonymous donor through the registry. Wasn't an easy recovery but he was there for me, I was there for him when doctors told him that his tumor had grown back that there was nothing left to try. He was fifteen, Liv."

"Rhett was the first boy I kissed the first person I made love to." my voice has gotten softer I feel her fingers under my chin lifting it. "Tell me about it, Amanda, did he treat you, right?"

"He was perfect Liv, for his make-a-wish wish, the foundation sent his whole family to Long Beach, California he asked me to come. We bathed on the beach under the beautiful golden rays of sunshine, we swam in breathtaking oceans, he was a great big brother to his two brothers and three sisters, his twin sisters Miley and Sienna became my best friends. For our second anniversary, while we were in Long Beach, he took me on a cruise to the Catalina Islands. We went snorkeling, which was beautiful under the sea. He took me to a fancy restaurant and had a cabin reserved we spent the night dancing to music laughing at old stories, kissing, touching getting to know each other, and making love."

"I know you think Tucker killing himself is awful, but Liv." My voice wavers as I try to get out what I want to say. "You've never seen anyone die from Brain Cancer. I wish someone had spared me because all I can see is his final moments, how he lost his dignity, his independence, his spark, his memory, all I see is the constant pain he was in, his anger as he started to deteriorate. His family's anguish as he slipped away from us, gasping for air, it hurts Liv. It's taken over the good memories sometimes they are so far away they feel like a movie I saw in my childhood. Not my real life."

I wasn't expecting Liv to embrace me, so I jump slightly, but her warmth melts me her fingers trace my jawline, over my scalp.

"I'm sorry Amanda, I hope he's at peace. I'm so sorry you had to endure that loss at such a young age."

"He wasn't the only one Liv." her fingers brush over my arms, tiny hairs salute their happiness. "He was my first love, my first serious heartbreak, but I lost many friends along the way thanks to cancer."

"Elisabeth was 11, Timmy was 12, Sarah Jo and Emily Jean were 13 and 14 sisters with different cancers same ends."

"Rusty was 16, and Angel 19 cancer knows no age limit." Tears slide steadily down my face as I think of all my friends who never got their cures or live to see their tomorrows.

"Amanda," her voice is so soft I know her next question, "Am I okay?" she nods "Some days yes, other days it's a volcano about to erupt."

"I can see them you know my friends as they were in life laughing singing smiling sharing their dreams, but then I see how they were, in the end, clinging to life worrying about their friends and families as they lay in those hospital beds, knowing their dreams were never going to come true. Those days I am not okay; it's too much I see their phantom shadows empty chairs, shattered dreams, yet the world goes on."

"What about your health Amanda?"

"I go for checkups every year, Liv; I'm due for one next week. Do you want to go with me?"

"I'd like that, Amanda. I never knew."

"I never wanted you to Liv, that's my point people hide things they don't want people to see all the time. So don't blame yourself for Tucker, he hid his pain just like I hide mine. I want to be treated like a normal person. Because I am a normal person, with a past that's not so beautiful or paved."

"I know Amanda, I just wow it's a lot to take in, I love you though, Amanda, I know I haven't shown it, but I do. I can't lose you too."

"You won't Liv, not from cancer I've been cancer-free for well over twenty years now." A yawn escapes me, so I put the guitar down stretching. "It's getting late, Amanda; the kids will be a while, yet why don't you change go take my bedroom."

"Liv, I can't kick you out of your bed."

"You can if I tell you, Amanda."

"No, I can take the sofa Liv it's okay."

"It's not, Amanda, but if you are going to be difficult, we can share the bed as long as you are comfortable." I nod even though the thought of sharing with her makes my heart speed up. Following her, to the bedroom, I send a silent prayer to the Lord to keep me strong, sharing a bed with my crush who happens to be my boss sounds like a country song heading for disaster.

"I must warn you, Liv, my kids, say I am a cover huger."

"Well, that's okay Rollins, according to Noah, I am a sleep huger, so I will just hug those covers as they hug you."

She laughs, shoving me slightly, God, she is simply breathtaking, my heart beats faster and faster like the air right before a wrecking ball smashes into a building. My eyes catch hers across the room as her hair flows down her shoulder she smiles at me, her eyes still dance in a glimmer of tears and pain, but her lips twist into a smile of tentative hope.

I need that star Lord that North star you always promised would lead us home when we start to get lost. I am falling hardback into that dark hole, knowing I will never be with the one I love the most. A sudden cold wind chills me to the bone the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. "open your heart, close your eyes, feel me take your hand. When the world casts you out, I'll be there for you. I'll guide you home. I'll be your light in life's darkest moments. I'll be your warmth; your North Star let me be yours, open your eyes, Amanda."

They spring open my heart is beating wild "Rhett?" I look around, but instead of Rhett I see Liv's eyes staring into mine, she's moved closer, taking my hand. "I'm right here, Amanda, I'll lead you back home."

I blink, confused, "You were singing to yourself, Amanda, something about being lost and needing to find your way back home. Come on, let's lay down, you're paler than a ghost you look ready to pass out."

I follow her feeling drained, unable to argue as she lays me down all I can think about is Rhett laying in his arms as we looked at the stars in the Tennessee skyline while we lay there on the grass in each other's arms. Now I lay my head on Olivia's shoulder, feeling her fingers gently trace my scalp. I came here to comfort her. How did she end up comforting me?

"We comfort each other, Amanda, don't apologize." her finger touches my lips as I start to apologize.

"Women should be supporting women; it's about time we start, we've had our ups and downs, in the end, Amanda we are in the same unit. I've come to respect you as a detective, and tonight I am awed by your strength, I admire the woman you have become, and I am honored to call you my coworker and more importantly my friends, my sister."

"I love you, Amanda, I should have said those words a long time ago. I am sorry I never have, but I am telling you now, I love you, thank you for tonight, and I am so proud of you." her words send my heart into a fast-paced, beautiful arrhythmia.


	2. Chapter 2 time

**Chapter 2: ****Time**

**P O V: Olivia Benson**

"Thanks for coming over, Liv. I feel silly for worrying."

Quietly I take Amanda's hands, which shake in nervous "You don't have to worry Amanda about feeling silly; it's your health, of course, you are worried, scared, it's only natural no matter how many times you've done this before."

Pulling her close to my body, nuzzling her under the crock of my arms. "Your so cold Amanda, let's get you warmed up, are you sore?" Gently I lift her shirt to see the purple bruise on her hip from the needle, inserted two days ago to suck bone marrow out needed for the test. "Yeah, my head is still pounding. I haven't been this stressed over results in years; I don't know why I keep feeling like it will be bad."

"There's been a lot of death lately sweetie, a lot of pain and suffering I think you're just mentally drained and this is just adding fuel to your flame." Hugging her close, I rub her back as she leans her head on my shoulder. "Where are the kids?" "Rehearsals." "Oh, so we're alone?" "We are."

"Good, then we can get started on this." I lift the bottle of Pinot Grigio as she laughs, "Looks like I made a fan out of you." "Oh, yes, sweetheart, you did." It's comforting when you know someone so well that you don't need to ask where they keep their glasses or silverware. It's as similar to you, like your own home.

I find two glasses and pour us both some wine helping her to the couch since she's still having trouble walking."So what's your favorite childhood game Amanda?" her eyes light up. "Oh, damn, that's going way back, girlfriend." "Please, Rollins, you are younger by twenty-plus years than me, I can remember mine."

"Spill, Liv." Helping her to settle down, I wrap a blanket around her shoulders while balancing her legs on the footrest. "Manhunt." "You know that makes sense, no wonder you became a cop." Laughter fills her apartment.

"What was your's Amanda?"

"Anything I could beat the boys at."

"So everything cause I am sure you creamed they're asses at it all." "Basically, yes."

"Wait, I lied Liv, I do know my favorite game."

Tossing the pillow at her, I laugh, "girl, didn't your mom ever teach you it isn't ladylike to lie?"

"Olivia, you've met my mom, does she look like a good Christian school girl?"

"I Take it back, Amanda, I see your mama taught you the art of lying to a tee. So what is your favorite game?"

"Truth or dare."

"This cranberry blueberry wine is delightful." We click glasses, "Let's play, Amanda."

"Lord, Liv, I ain't drunk enough for this."

Shoving her back in a playful manner, I roll my eyes as I raise my glass, "I'll go first."

"I dare you to close your eyes and relax, now tell me your most colorful sweetest dream. I want you to picture it happening to you in real-time."

"Okay, well I am asleep on a waterbed, damn that feels good, I have a scorching lady giving me a message." As she's talking, I have already moved in back of her to start massaging her. She's being coy and not saying that she's dreamed I am the one rubbing her. I heard her telling Fin earlier today.

"We start kissing, which turns into her hands on my body…. Amanda's stopped from speaking any further as my lips crash against hers so soft, wet, deliciously spicy. Her eyes fly open as I take her hands. Her glass spills over shattering startling Fannie, who barks her displeasure.

"Bedroom now, Liv, I dare you." "I accept Amanda." her hands no longer shake or feel cold as I lead her into the bedroom. Gently I lay her down as she takes off her shirt, damn her body is a wonderland of beauty and curvy soft sweetness. My eyes fall on her mounds which remind me of coconuts I have never wanted to taste coconut so bad, I'm not even usually a fan of coconut.

Today I am

I take my time crawling on top of her watching her doe-eyed lustful expression as I take her arms kissing them up and down eagerly. Hours pass as we take our time slowly touching and pleasing each other, kissing moaning our pleasures into each other's chests. Tiny gasps of surprise and pain occasionally escape our lips, which we quickly quite by kissing deeply — or taking sips of wine.

"You sure, Liv? I don't want to rush or hurt you; the truth have you ever made love to a woman before?"

"Truth Amanda no I want you to be my first and yes I am more than okay with this, I want this, I need to feel you inside of me. Less talk, baby." Sitting up I take the strap from her "Lay back Amanda, Let me help you." her skin is so soft I start to strap the toy on her, interrupted only by the ringing of the phone. We're both motionless staring at the phone. She suddenly becomes stiff, unable to move to answer it. Pulling her close, I hold her as the machine picks up.

"Amanda, hi, sweetie, this is Dr. Helene Sharpe from New Amsterdam, just calling to let you know your results are in, everything looks fantastic, you're in remission and healthy as a woman of your age should be. No blasts were found in your system if you have any questions….

Amanda suddenly bursts into tears dropping the strap I pull her to my body her body shakes as she cries releasing the fear and pain "shh, honey it's okay let it out, I got you." Falling back against the bed, I grip her naked body tears cascade down her face, gentle strokes over her bare frame help quell the hysteria which slowly eases from her body.

I can't voice my fears. This isn't about me, but silently I pray to God thanking him for leading her home safe, for keeping her healthy. She's not sick; he's given her more time, time for us to share our dreams, build our life together.

We have time, that's all that matters.


End file.
